[private]Well, at least now I know he felt the same way, and he had complete control over his actions, and that he knew how he was making me feel. Damnit, I hate him.
Sirius and I had a little chat this evening: I hate him, I hate the way he makes me feel, I hate the fact that he can make me cry, and I hate the fact that I feel comfortable crying to him. I hate the fact that he can take me into his arms and everything feels so much better, I hate the way he wraps his arms around me, I hate the way he sings me to sleep. I hate the way that he and I fit together like a puzzle. I especially fucking hate the fact that it won't ever work.[/private]
For some reason, I woke up with the words vous êtes mon immortal resounding through my head like a gong.
Wed, Dec. 24th, 2003, 06:42 am
Wed, Dec. 24th, 2003, 04:15 am
Tue, Dec. 23rd, 2003, 06:59 pm
He's killing purebloods.
Oh, if you could see my face.
It's odd, you know, the feeling of all of your emotions and feelings being squelched out of you. Not an entirely unpleasant feeling, no, I rather enjoyed it quite a bit. Sort of refreshing, really. Because I expect I don't have much of a conscience anymore, either. Something I've been dying to rid myself of for ages.
It's an amazing feeling, having someone's life in your hands -literally. The ultimate feeling of power. I couldn't go with it, though. I don't know what stopped me, I guess I just knew it wasn't her time. So, naturally, I turned on the tears and actually had Sirius cradling me in his arms. I can feel my lips pulling into a smirk just thinking about it; he's such a waste of blood. Then, realising what a daft and insufferable little wench I was acting like (who in the Black family cries? Honestly...) I stood up and pretended to find my father, who I spotted in the pub speaking to several dark-hooded wizards. I expect that was why he HAD to go to Diagon Alley yesterday. No matter. I still need to speak to him.
I need to rearrange my priorities. Sirius and Andromeda won't be among the top ten... or perhaps even top one hundred.
Is it possible to feel hate so complete that nothing else in this world matters other than ridding that which caused said hate?
Even my own cousin thinks I'm psychologically 'interesting' to use his ever-so-eloquent words. Then again, he's only 13. What does he know?
Sun, Dec. 21st, 2003, 01:40 pm
Sirius left last night. The only Black left about him is the five letters in his last name that just so happen to fall in the same sequence.
I can't say I don't miss him, though.
He was rather nasty to me, as well. He told me that the reason that Rodolphus hadn't come in yesterday to see me wasn't that he thought that I'd give him my illness, but rather that Sirius told him that they'd LOST me to the FLU!! He's lucky I don't know any Unforgivables (that well, anyway) Or else I'd have used the Killing Curse on him right then and there. Then at least I'd show Andromeda that not only can I kill someone, but I can kill them if they're my own blood. Luckily( he Collapse )
was sat in the parlour with Daddy, talking.
I'm feeling a bit better today, too. I am a bit tired, but Rodolphus is indeed coming back this afternoon, so perhaps we can do something. I'm not sure what, though. I mean, what can we do? I might like him to sit with me on my chaise and read to me a bit, not that I couldn't read myself; just, I could listen to him for hours.
Sat, Dec. 20th, 2003, 03:58 pm
I feel horrible. I've been laid up in bed since yesterday, when we first arrived at home, and I think I might've caught something from being outside in the cold for so long on Friday. As tough as I'd like to seem, I think I need to admit to myself that I'm still small, and won't be able to run with the older students until it's too late and they're all gone. Mum found a new housenurse for us. I told her to sod off and that I would be fine. For a new nurse, she's very persistent and she left several potions vials by my bed. I haven't touched them, but I'm sure one is a sleeping draught, so I might take advantage of that later. If she's got potions in this house, they're not safe from me, as I'm sure she's got the good ones for mum.
I've been having strange dreams when I'm asleep, as well; Sirius and I are out on the streets together as muggles. I don't know what that means, but he looks despicable, and I'm sure I don't look much better. We'd been reduced to begging, and Evans would walk by and turn her nose up at us. Then, I'd walk into a rather odd looking house, see Lucius in a glittering outfit, and wake up, sweating. That might be the fever, though.
Rodolphus has sent up a small stuffed bear for me (along with a note that said he'd visit, but he didn't want to catch anything), I think it's the first thing he's done for me that hasn't been slightly odd or deadly. I'm still wary of it, though, in case it decides to start spewing strange liquids or come to life and eat my fingers, or something strange. I wouldn't put it past him. He's an odd one, definitely, but ( that's okay. He'll be all right in a few years time.Collapse )
I think I'm going to just drink this cranberry juice and send an owl to him. Yes. Dad will let me borrow his owl. Must remember to speak to him as soon as my throat is well enough to speak.
Fri, Dec. 19th, 2003, 01:13 am
Who was the first at Hogwarts to find out about all the deaths that have been occurring? Not me, no. Sirius. Sirius Black was the one who told me. He told me quite a bit, too. Apparently, Father has known about this and a list of people who the Dark Wizard (calling himself Voldemort) is after. He's already murdered Walden's uncle, who -and I just found this out, as well- was married to a muggleborn. The git deserved it. Anyhow, Mother wouldn't let Father tell me anything.
Apparently, this Voldemort has plenty of power. He's got control of the Dementors, which have left Azkaban. My mind is racing, I can't think of anything but Voldemort and how much I want to be out there with him. I have to find out how to become one of the Knights. I don't know if I can divulge that to Father, however. That might not go over so well, that his youngest wants to be an active part of the cause. I think Lucius, who is usually quite supportive of these things, might be having doubts. He walked away from me twice this evening. The right choice is so obvious. Surely he sees this.
Unfortunately, there's also an order forming that is completely against Voldemort and his -albeit right- ideals. My idiot of a cousin is leaning toward that side of the game. Then, he told me that he'd turn his wand against me, if it ever came down to it. I don't know why, but that struck something inside me. Of course, snarkily, I told him I'd murder him if I had to, but I don't know if I meant it, entirely.
Thu, Dec. 18th, 2003, 12:31 am
Sometimes, one just wants to scream until it all goes away. Unfortunately for everyone in Slytherin's ears (and whoever is lurking about above us), I'm having one of those moments right now.
I apologize. No, I don't.